Ultramarine Blue

When I was younger I remember looking at the 36 coloured pastel set I owned and seeing how this one 'ultramarine' blue coloured crayon was always shorter than the others. You could find traces of that blue colour in each of my drawings whether it was combed through the layers of a little girl's hair, splashed across the night sky, embedded into the roots of trees or washed up in waves across the sea. I think that somewhere along the way, my hands ended up smeared in that ultramarine blue that I've now found lurking under my skin and running through my veins. I think it was always meant to be.

A reason to be happy

Even when I'm tired, depressed, stressed, overworked and annoyed, I'll try to act happy because the truth is being around a person who oozes the 'gloomy' aura is seriously disheartening and discouraging. Yeah it's like putting on a mask but so what? During these hard times you have to realise that everyone else is probably feeling the same way as you, so why make them feel more down by putting on the weight of your own stress onto their shoulders. So here I am saying that I'm taking my share of the load away from you even if you keep piling yours onto me. I'll smile through your returned scowl. I'll be a note of happiness in this depressing composition your trying to write. I'll be there for you when you want even if you're never there for me, because that's the sort of person I want to be.

For there to be happiness there must be sadness first

WOAH I swear I just went into a coma....of a sleep. My head is still heavy and I'm feeling the beginnings of a headache forming at my temples, but somehow I feel calmer.
Another poem, this one I've bin forming in my cellphone for a while. It's still not complete but little by little it's getting there :)

HANDS CLASPED TOGETHER

You and me,

We’ll build our castle out of sand,

And let it wash away when our time has come to a stand.

We’ll make memories out of sea shells and stones,

Filled with laughter and love till we’re withered to our bones,

We’ll cover up the marring tear tracks etched into our skin,

Lips stretching till they reflect a plastic grin.

We’ll walk along drought cracked paths,

Lead by barb wired hearts,

Willing our tired feet forward,

Over shadows of poisoned black paper darts.

We’ll sail away from this worlds glare on a paper cup raft,

Never letting the stormy rain blue our love story draft.

You and me we’ll dream of a place,

That echoes what out heartbeats say,

Where our entwined hand and shared breaths,

Will forever stay.

Thoughts on paper, Feelings on ink

What do you call a poem when it's so blatantly emo but you don't want to categorise it because it's an amalgm of what your feeling that cannnot possibly be narrowed down to three letters slanged together?
I guess it's emo still right? Because that way it doesn't seem that real

UNDERSTANDING

If someone looked into my soul right now

They would see so much chaos

So many emotions playing hide and seek with each other

Never connecting, never being found

I don’t wonder about how this began

Though I do wonder when I stopped looking for a way to end it

It’s hard pretending to be this

When inside all I want to do is cry

From this nagging feeling I have

That everything around me is pretend

That one day it’ll all slip away

Everyone leaving in their own paths

A path that doesn’t include me

I hope they are trying to understand

To see through this wall

Maybe they’ll see how I’m reaching out to them

I will never ask them to

I was never good with words

But I know how this will end

I’ll be the one to give up first

I can keep trying but I don’t think they’ll ever understand

I don’t think anyone ever will

Don’t worry I’m not giving up

I’m just so tired of this

So drained

So pained

You want to know what’s funny though?

When tomorrow comes

I’ll go back to what I am to them

Because me putting up this show

That is what makes them happy

Never knowing me

But knowing that I will always be there

A constant shadow grey and forgotten

But always there to lean on in dark times

It’s all a script to a play

That we once wrote together

So long ago that we don’t even remember

We just follow along

But now I’ve found myself in act II and realising that

I’ve been the only one following

Words and actions so set in stone

Carved into my mind in permanent ink

Leaving behind rubber shavings of reality

A reality that everyone has found except me

Maybe I will never find it

Maybe this is where I’ll always be

In the middle of this chaos with no way out

BLOG REUNION

So I see 2011 rolled by like 5 months ago and I completely neglected my blog. I looks back on it now thinking 'damn I need to put some eunhae photos up' and 'must tell my blog about all my new obsessions' and 'damn heechul looks pretty' and 'how the hell did the monkey and the panda bear still keep up with their blogs while successfully not failing uni'...and such random and mostly unimportant/nonsensical thoughts as those.
So as the title of this blog says I am having a (...possibly momentary) reunion with my blog. To the total of all the....3 people who has ever read my blog, yeah you know who you are 'PANDABEARMONKEYJBUG' I dedicate this totally random and emo poem to you guys.

Kite

What do you want?

For all the first times to come back?

For everything to feel overwhelming

Just as it did when we started?

Did you think it would last forever?

I didn’t but at least I held on

Did you get bored?

Didn’t take you long

You’re only human after all I guess

You think too much of something is bad

Tell me

What’s wrong with something trying to give you everything?

I guess you found someone new

Someone better

Someone closer

So what am I now?

You’ve left me hanging

Should I break the ties I’m trying so hard to keep clenched in my heart?

I thought I was your kite

Far away yet still connected

When did you decided to let go?

I didn’t realise till I was floating away

Far away from you

Maybe I should have looked down more

But what’s the point when you never ever looked up at me?

The days of being strangers are back

Just like how we started

Is that what you wanted?

To go back to what was?

But it won’t be the same will it?

Once we go back you won’t be able to catch me

I’m already floating you see

You don’t even see the tears ripping me apart

You don’t see me soak in it in longing

You don’t see me trying to push against the wind to come back to you

Is it time I let you go?

Is it too late for that even?

Because you have already let me fly away

This is as a result of lack of 'hitting the hay' and feeling a tad ignored and unimportant in this wide world. When I'm feeling more -UNEMO- I shall upload the love poem i've bin drafting on my phone bit by bit when studying just got a bit too much.
Love
Dee....*falls dead asleep with the laptop keyboard as tonights pillow. yay for square indents on my forehead in the morning*